Another early morning for me.
I decided to camp out in the kitchen instead of hanging out in the room. didn’t wanna wake liz up. I realise she seems to wake up everytime i wake up. So attempting to let her sleep more. (:

I don’t know what it is about Switzerland that’s making me constantly wake up so early. I’m sure it’s not jetlag. Hello, I’ve been here for a month already. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fresh air?

Spent the better half of the morning playing bridge online. Yes, life here is pretty uneventful. Because going out entails dressing warm, putting on socks etc. And even if I do decide to do all that, go out and do what? We’ve already seen the lake. Everything else entails more shopping/spending money. I don’t particularly want to sit by the lake in winter either. I’ll wait for spring to do that.

Hmm. We’ve officially paid rent for March. And we’re officially a month in. School’s finally going to start in about 10 days. I’m mostly apprehensive about it though. The term Master Courses is becoming increasingly daunting to me. And I’ve just read the IMC course syllabus here. It’s not easy. I know it’s just pass/fail, but the pressure’s still there.

I’ve been delaying London for too long. I don’t know how to ask my relatives for free lodging because I’ve never been very close to them to begin with. Maybe I should beg my parents to bring me there when they come up.

Everyday here is passing like we’re wasting/rotting away in our rooms. I don’t know how to keep myself intellectually stimulated. And I don’t know what project I should take up. And! I’ve been procrastinating one of the biggest things that I was hoping to settle during my time here. I’m scared. Everytime I open a new webpage/ the book Cerelia lent me, all these questions pop into my head, and I feel so fake for reading such things. Nothing seems to satisfy my questions. I know that the Earth, and other miraculous things definitely have a higher power behind it.

It’s the personal God that I don’t understand. My entire christian life, I’ve never had a personal relationship with the big guy. I see people around me telling me how they had such a great conversation with Him, or heard His guidance, etc. For a long time I used to think it’s simply because I wasn’t listening enough. But everytime I try to still my heart, and try to listen out for Him, my stupid brain gets in the way. I get distracted way too easily. And this continues to go on and on. And it just gets me more upset with myself. Like I’m simply not trying hard enough. And thoughts like, “If God is so great, why is He making me try so hard? To the extent I start to doubt myself and Him?” I know everyone encounters periods of time where God is silent in their lives. But how is it possible for God to never be present at all?

It’s like, sometimes it even comes to a point that you purposely make cases for Him. The “I’ve seen His works in my life…” I suppose thinking back. I can claim confidence walking into exam halls because of a verse I decided to hold on to. Or the miraculous Bs I get when I was expecting fails. But really, is that all He’s doing for me? it can’t be right? This great and powerful God only works in my academics? And even then my academics are not like straight As.

I’ve gone for mission trips. I suppose I see His love shining through the people I’ve seen working there. Such love for His people. But then I also read other books about humanitarians who do so much as well, and their not Christians. I see friends who aren’t christians readily volunteering to do community work, standing up for the elderly on the train. Etc.

And in this church, nobody came to see me off except Angel and Anna. Even my cell group, decided cell group was more important than seeing one of their cell members off.

Ahh. I should stop now. I have a tendency to keep going on and on till the whole thing becomes some huge overraction. And crying in the kitchen isn’t good for me or for any poor unsuspecting person who walks in. I’ve been struggling with this personal God for a while now. I don’t know what else I can do.

Pray for me. Because I don’t think I can, it’s starting to feel like I’m talking to a wall when I pray now.

so we spent the entire saturday sitting in front of our laptops watching and re-watching japanese/korean dramas. it’s a little sad really how we’re already spending gorgeous saturdays indoors when we have a whole town out there. sad truth is that it’s really expensive to go out. dreams of café hopping are mostly pipe dreams because an average cup of coffee here isn’t cheap.

second time we’ve cooked soup this month. :D it’s so awesome. really makes me think of home, and happy that we can pull off soup. it’s really hard to go wrong with soup. and it counts for like 3 – 4 meals. so we save money that way too :D

just came back from bern/luzern. it was pretty. going up to basel and zurich tomorrow. we should probably start packing i suppose.

i’m still not used to the fact that we’ll only be starting school on 15th of march.

by the way, our level people are having a rocking party outside. it sounds like fun. but tiring fun, because english isn’t the primary mode of communication. and lots of alcohol is involved. i sound like such a wet blanket, guess we’re just not really in for the party mood here. we’re quickly establishing a reputation for ourselves. most boring, anti-social people on level 3 yo!

1. it’s been ages since i blogged here. mostly because i forgot my password, that being a huge bummer in having multiple accounts on different blog sites.

2. i’m in lugano now. it’s this small little city in the italian canton of switzerland. don’t feel too bad, i didn’t find out about till late last year too. and i still don’t know much about it. i do know it’s small. we’ve been to pretty much the entire city district already. it’s pretty sweet living like a 5 minute walk to school. ok 5 minutes seems really little. let’s make it like 7 minutes. the entire city (or what i’ve seen of it anyway) is pretty gorgeous. the lake is breathtaking. and is still waiting for me to pay it a visit at night/sunset/sunrise. i promise to do so one day.

saying that pictures are aplenty is an understatement. 6 girls, 3 dslrs and 3 p&s = 6 months worth of photos crammed up in 2 weeks. pretty epic. and it’s not good because after a while you get really lazy with taking shots cos you just think the other person’s gonna take it anyhow. but i’ll make an effort, despite my humble little p&s who’s battery life is nothing to boast about.

ironically the picture about is from a nearby city called bellinzona. i like the picture alot, it’s something i hope to do so soon when spring comes around. we have a beautiful park here, i think it’s a brilliant place to people watch.

a talk with angel last night reminded me that this is truly a God-given time for me to find Him, and remember myself as His child again. i’ve been pushing the slowly degradation of my relationship with Him in the furthermost back of my mind, i’m still a little unsure of how i’m going to go about doing it.

we’re (liz, jun hua, jingyu) and i are heading down to Luzern & Bern tomorrow. i’m pretty stoked because it sounds like an arts hub, with gorgeous architecture and epic museums etc. i have a few days to myself over the next 6 months here, i might want to go back again to some of these places to explore on my own.

inspiration is running on a low here. the journal and the blog entries are mostly just recounting the events that passed. i think it’s because i’m wasting alot of my energy worrying about largely trivial things. hope it will get better soon. time passes slowly yet amazingly fast in this place.

goodnight.

It was good (: Probably the most ‘slack’ camp out of the 6 I’m going for this hols. (I realise I feel compelled to post in proper capital letters and everything when I post here. The small i looks weird.) It was also a nice time for me to REST. As all things are with God’s timing, this was perfect timing as well. 

This year, I’m gonna let Him lead. I’m going to close my eyes, and just look to Him, it’s time to stop getting distracted, and swayed by the things of this world. I also hope of courage to stand up for it, and a changing within me. So that I can become even more effective for Him. 

I’m a very flawed person. I know that all too well. I want to surrender all of it to Him and let Him change me, renew me. (: 

Year 2, sem 2 promises to be difficult. A lot of people are telling me that my 2nd year in CS is the hardest year for CS students. But I’ll leave it to Him. (: He knows what’s best for me. 

Yupps, my girls were great, got to know so much more people at much deeper level this camp. It was awesome. (: Haha and Sarah Phua and I lost and got back our bridge powers. (: hahaha! 

An exciting year of crusades up ahead. 

And the lines have been drawn again, it’s always going to be a struggle to live in this world and not be of it. I don’t want to push away the people who are on the other side of those lines, how does one stay relevant in this world? 

Looking forward to thursdays to come (:

sleepless nights

dear God, 

i have decisions to be made
and i don’t know which to make
i am finding it harder to say no to some
and i know the world is calling me many different ways.
but the path i want to choose, is the one You intended for me. the one where i can be the most effective for You. what good will saying yes to everything be, if i can only do a half-hearted job at it.
dear Lord, take away this need to please people
take away this fear of disappointing others.
i will have no other gods but You. 
guide me Lord, 
i want to choose the one that You want me to be in
You know best.
give me also the strength to say no,
to face the disappointment of others with the knowledge that i’m pleasing You.

amen.

well.

deadline for S/U ends today.
i got 4/10 for my latest 203 quiz.
(funny how they call it a quiz. it’s like the epitome of sugar coating things)

so 1st year, 1st sem, take 1, screwed.
GPA sucks mans.

i am whiny. and annoying (:

haha sigh. i’m just really… drained in a way i guess.

but i MUST tell you guys about crossroads last night.
you have no idea how great crusades has been for me this past sem.
DG and crossroads, even though i couldn’t always make it were just amazing for me. coming to a place where i won’t be judged, where i can draw strength from Him, where i don’t have to worry about anything etc etc. and it’s a super nice feeling to live when you know that you’re being prayed for.

last night’s crossroads was on deuteronomy 8. Julianna talked about how so often, us christians, in our time of ‘lack’ we focus so much on our shortcomings and all the things that God is NOT giving us/keeping from us when instead we should be focusing on all the things He has ALREADY done for us.

that kinda hit me because i know i’ve been really drained this sem, and pulled through alot of trials and temptations and difficult times. and looking back, there were so many BETTER ways of approaching these times. of dealing with those difficult times.

and then on the other side of the spectrum, i had to get caught up in the ‘my life is worse than yours’ game, constantly matrying myself and complaining about how tired i am, how stretched i am, how i’m always so busy.

it’s stupid really. i mean like looking back, during these times are actually the times when you can really show what a great testimony of God you are. it’s like imagine they see this christian who is going through such a tough time, but yet she’s constantly positive, not complaining at all, and still being able to reach out etc etc. and what did i do? i whined, i cried, i complained, i lost my temper.

so yea, last night’s last crossroads really hit me, but i’m so so glad that it did though. the remaining sem and next year promises to be tough. but i think this time, i’m more prepared to face it. (: after all, in any circumstance we can always cast our anxieties on HIM.

thanks Lord. You’re AWESOME.

so then what is this?
this is the start of sem1- sem 2, year 1, take TWO.

let’s go.

first off, i really wanna say a huge major thank you to everyone who wished me, be it via msn, facebook, sms, in person. (:

yes weizhe, noted that you were the first on facebook. but harr gets first this year (: lols. it’s so funneh how we do stupid cheap thrill things like fighting to be the first to wish our friends happy birthday.

anyway, i’m not posting on blogger, because i’m seriously considering moving to wordpress, and blogger is down anyway. haha!

i didn’t come back to hall on sunday night. sunday was funny, nobody wished me happy birthday in church. then at night when the clock hit 00:00hours, my msn got flooded. (:

but you know the best thing about my birthday this year? it was spent with family. and i think that was probably the most important thing and the best thing about my 19th birthday ever. because despite it all, all i really wanted was just to spend some time with my mum, and my dad and my brother (: so sunday night and monday night were God’s gift to me this year (: i love my family to bits beyond bits. thanks for the wonderful weather as well God.

without doubt though, this year was also spent with new friends. 
; lijun & amellia’s cake slices on monday was a very very nice way to start the day (: thank you lovelies! i had an awesome lunch with my french class friends! let’s all take french 2 together.
; 205 class people bursting out into song in CS was… (: i love my 205 class.
; my dear dear roomie and alot of random lovelies from hall suprised me on tuesday night. haha! i just burst out laughing can! i feel super loved la. (: thanks guys. making a home away from home for me

i also like how this year, i wasn’t all too ‘emo’ towards my birthday. because, i don’t know i just really enjoyed it, in a totally mellow way with my loved ones. and that counts for alot (:

haha i’m clearly incoherent. i apologise. but you know, happiness makes you say weird things. (:

and you! thanks for the msg. i don’t know why, but it means more coming from you, cos somehow you always manage to make your msg stand out amongst the rest. so thanks (:

exciting week ahead.

i can’t stop smiling. (:

thank you Lord. for all the blessings you’ve showered on me all these years.

loveee

You know, it’s an irony because i haven’t been sleeping at all. in fact. i didn’t sleep the whole night. i woke up from my nap at 4pm, and went for lecture. and since then i’ve been awake.

why? because aftr supper, and playing mahjong with my dear block mates, then having a short talk with a good friend, i went to my bed at 4.50am?

i laid in bed with my eyes wide open. thinking about everything that has happened thus far, and everything that i’m supposed to be looking forward to.

that’s when i started praying. and everything came rushing out. i realised i’m not going to be able to sleep tonight. what with everything stuck in my head. so many concerns, worries, thoughts, thanksgiving. i decided, you know what. i’m gonna spend the rest of the night with You Lord.

so i took my bible, my books, and a pen. my keys and my water bottle and went to the TV room. i sat there, and i wrote, i prayed, i just spent the whole time with Him, talking to Him, pouring out all my worries, all my frustrations and concerns.

it was amazing. and right now. i feel so refreshed. really. sometimes we forget the power God has, but tonight. After spending it from 5 till now, i feel so refreshed, although a little tired physically. my mind is just so at peace. so joyful, so calm with His love.

and as i’m typing this, i can’t seem to keep this smile from going off my face (:

thank you Lord, for sustaining me through the most memorable night in hall as yet.

and pray that eveything i’ve prayed about stays close to my heart as i take the next step forward.

youu were all i needed all this time to turn my life the right way back again.

love,

beckyc

i don’t really know how i plan to use this blog right now. but i think i’m hoping anyway to make it as a sort of devotional blog to share my daily walk with the almighty father, experiences with friends, friends’ stories etc.

but i’m real busy with school starting and i also don’t really know where to start. the idea came to me through ODJ (our daily journal), with the pictures and the posts. i like that. and sometimes that’s how i talk as well. i need pictures to tell half the stories of my life. which is why i have a normal blog, a photo blog. and so i figured this would be a nice way to combine the two.

we’ll see yea? but for now, it’s going to remain relatively dormant. which is quite sad. so pray that i’ll get some inspiration and content to fill it with soon. (:

looking back, i’ve had amazing first half of the year. let’s hope the second half would be just as exciting and awe-inspiring.

love

( i can’t remember where i got this picture from, so if it’s yours let me know (: )