early mornings
Another early morning for me.
I decided to camp out in the kitchen instead of hanging out in the room. didn’t wanna wake liz up. I realise she seems to wake up everytime i wake up. So attempting to let her sleep more. (:
I don’t know what it is about Switzerland that’s making me constantly wake up so early. I’m sure it’s not jetlag. Hello, I’ve been here for a month already. I don’t know what it is. Maybe it’s the fresh air?
Spent the better half of the morning playing bridge online. Yes, life here is pretty uneventful. Because going out entails dressing warm, putting on socks etc. And even if I do decide to do all that, go out and do what? We’ve already seen the lake. Everything else entails more shopping/spending money. I don’t particularly want to sit by the lake in winter either. I’ll wait for spring to do that.
Hmm. We’ve officially paid rent for March. And we’re officially a month in. School’s finally going to start in about 10 days. I’m mostly apprehensive about it though. The term Master Courses is becoming increasingly daunting to me. And I’ve just read the IMC course syllabus here. It’s not easy. I know it’s just pass/fail, but the pressure’s still there.
I’ve been delaying London for too long. I don’t know how to ask my relatives for free lodging because I’ve never been very close to them to begin with. Maybe I should beg my parents to bring me there when they come up.
Everyday here is passing like we’re wasting/rotting away in our rooms. I don’t know how to keep myself intellectually stimulated. And I don’t know what project I should take up. And! I’ve been procrastinating one of the biggest things that I was hoping to settle during my time here. I’m scared. Everytime I open a new webpage/ the book Cerelia lent me, all these questions pop into my head, and I feel so fake for reading such things. Nothing seems to satisfy my questions. I know that the Earth, and other miraculous things definitely have a higher power behind it.
It’s the personal God that I don’t understand. My entire christian life, I’ve never had a personal relationship with the big guy. I see people around me telling me how they had such a great conversation with Him, or heard His guidance, etc. For a long time I used to think it’s simply because I wasn’t listening enough. But everytime I try to still my heart, and try to listen out for Him, my stupid brain gets in the way. I get distracted way too easily. And this continues to go on and on. And it just gets me more upset with myself. Like I’m simply not trying hard enough. And thoughts like, “If God is so great, why is He making me try so hard? To the extent I start to doubt myself and Him?” I know everyone encounters periods of time where God is silent in their lives. But how is it possible for God to never be present at all?
It’s like, sometimes it even comes to a point that you purposely make cases for Him. The “I’ve seen His works in my life…” I suppose thinking back. I can claim confidence walking into exam halls because of a verse I decided to hold on to. Or the miraculous Bs I get when I was expecting fails. But really, is that all He’s doing for me? it can’t be right? This great and powerful God only works in my academics? And even then my academics are not like straight As.
I’ve gone for mission trips. I suppose I see His love shining through the people I’ve seen working there. Such love for His people. But then I also read other books about humanitarians who do so much as well, and their not Christians. I see friends who aren’t christians readily volunteering to do community work, standing up for the elderly on the train. Etc.
And in this church, nobody came to see me off except Angel and Anna. Even my cell group, decided cell group was more important than seeing one of their cell members off.
Ahh. I should stop now. I have a tendency to keep going on and on till the whole thing becomes some huge overraction. And crying in the kitchen isn’t good for me or for any poor unsuspecting person who walks in. I’ve been struggling with this personal God for a while now. I don’t know what else I can do.
Pray for me. Because I don’t think I can, it’s starting to feel like I’m talking to a wall when I pray now.
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